"What do you do?" I'm dreading that question now. Why? Because I've just resigned from my job. Why? I have about 100 good reasons...ok, well at least 10. Do I have something else lined up already? Nope. Should I have had something else lined up before I resigned? Probably. Is there a reason I resigned without having something lined up? Yep.
The reasons for my resignation are not relevant to this post, other than the fact that in the end, I felt like I really didn't have a choice. That's the important part. What's the purpose of this post? Identity and anything else that comes to mind as I write. As of this past Friday I am no longer be able to say that I'm an attorney with X law firm. If I say I am an attorney and someone asks where, I will have to say nowhere, or I guess for myself. I'm maintaining a loose affiliation with my firm, or I suppose "of counsel" status to finish out a few matters, but for the most part I'm an unemployed attorney.
So what am I going to do with my day? Well shopping, lunching, and manicures and pedicures are out. Ok, I did get to play golf Monday, and I went to my step class yesterday, but that's not going to be the norm. I have six figures of student loan debt that still require payment while I'm not making any money. Of course I'll be looking for a job. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my son's school (aka daycare...I call it school because it just sounds better), is paid up through the first week of October. It doesn't make any sense to pay for school if I'm not working, so that's right, I'll be doing something else...spending my days with him while I continue to look for a job beginning the second week of October. I'll also be working on developing a nonprofit organization and possibly doing a little legal work as well, but I can only lie to myself so much about what I'll really be doing from 8:00-5:30 Monday through Friday. Honestly I can't even say what that is without starting to cry. Why?
I have the most adorable little boy in the world. Seriously. He is really sweet and cute. I truly enjoy spending time with him. I also have a master's degree and law degree. I spent a significant amount of time and money in school in order to obtain those degrees. I spent that time and money in school because I wanted to work. If I felt my true "calling" was to be that thing which I cannot say, then I would have saved myself the 5 years and $200,000.00 plus an EXCESSIVE amount of interest and stopped with college.
My house is a disaster. I decided I would get organized while I'm not working. As I unloaded the dishwasher Monday morning I started to cry. Why? I've unloaded the dishwasher numerous times. This time was different. This time it felt like my job. My purpose in life was to put dishes away and clean the kitchen. Why is that such a horrible thing? Plenty of people stay home and this is part of their day. This isn't what I want to do. For many, this is the dream. They desire nothing more than to stay home with their children and take care of their home. That's not my dream. My dream is to do it all, and if I can afford it, have a housekeeper do most of the cleaning and laundry. Maybe then we would stop living out of a laundry basket to the point where we can't remember if what's in it is clean or dirty.
I don't know that I would call myself a "feminist," as I don't like the negative connotation that often comes along with the word. I am about equal opportunity and not defining roles based on gender (unless it comes to killing some disgusting thing in the house...like a mouse of course). I believe women should be able to choose what they want to do. I do not believe that a woman should stay home for any reason other than the fact that she wants to. I don't believe it's her job from a Biblical standpoint. I don't believe it's her job because her husband wants her to. I don't believe it's her job because some segments of society think she should. I believe she should stay home because it's her desire AND because it also makes financial sense. Often staying home puts a huge burden on the men (or women if it's a husband staying home...though let's be honest, we aren't quite evolved enough where this is a persistent issue). As I believe a healthy marriage comes FIRST, I believe that you need to do what is best for your marriage before doing "what you want." I know for a fact that the desire of some women to stay home leads to an enormous amount of pressure for men in some situations, and I don't think the results of that pressure create the healthiest family environment. So yes, sometimes I think it's wrong for a parent to want to stay home.
I'm totally getting off topic. What can I say, I have plenty of time to get off topic. The point I was getting at was about choice. I don't really feel like I had a choice to stay home or not stay home. Honestly I was in an unprofitable work situation and school is incredibly expensive. I had to find something else to make it beneficial for me to work. My husband and I decided it was better for me to spend this last month and a half before school is finished looking for a new job full-time. So that's one of the reasons why I resigned when I did.
The job market for lawyers still stinks. Honestly I've hardly even found any jobs I'm the least bit interested in. I'm scared to death that I'm going to have to stay home for a long time. Each day I'm home will make it that much harder to find a new job as "staying home" is hardly viewed as an acceptable alternative to job experience on the resume. I'm scared I've just wasted all of that time and money on a career that is just never going to happen. I don't know if this is a personal thing coming from God, like I have some stupid lesson to learn because I wanted something too badly, or if it's just a bad economy and I have to suffer like everyone else.
For some reason though it has become incredibly important for me not to stay home. I really don't know why. I obviously have some serious identity crisis going on, because this is such a big deal to me. I hate shopping at Target during the day because I feel like everyone is looking at me. Strangers are so consumed with my life, of course, that they are thinking to themselves "oh, look at her, she doesn't have a job, she's shopping at Target at 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday, she obviously wasn't successful enough to make it worthwhile to work, so consequently, she is a failure." Ok, maybe they aren't saying that, but I'm obviously thinking it. I have to stay home because I am a failure. Where I go with that revelation I have no idea. My goal is to work through that during this time.
What I've decided though is that I have to get on board with this staying at home thing. Why? 1. Because in case God is testing me, I can try to manipulate Him into putting an end to this, and 2. Because I'm not going to let my cute little boy suffer because I can't do what I want. He deserves to have me 100% present regardless of whether it's for 3 hours during the day or 8 hours during the day.
I have to get over the fact that staying home means I failed. This is just really difficult for me because I don't feel like that is how I was designed. Everyone talks about "calling," and I really can't think of anything further from my "calling" than staying home for the next 18 years. Every passion I truly believed God put in me is geared for something else in addition to being a wife and mom. I don't want to be defined as a wife or mom. I actually believe that being a spouse and parent comes first (aside from God), regardless of whether you are a man or woman. I put "lawyer" before "mom" in my title, because right now, being perceived as a "professional" is so important to me. I don't want to be one of those people who completely sacrifices family for career. I just want to choose what I'm doing. I want to be a professional woman for several hours of the day. I'd even take half the day. I don't want to lose that part of me.
This blog is going to be about a journey. Hopefully I'll get to the place where I'm truly content with wherever I am.
For now I'll end on this...if I'm going to be staying home, fine, but I am NOT getting a minivan!
